When I was a kid, I was a thinker. A private thinker. There was a lock on my diary.

I was probably in second or third grade when I got my first diary. My diary was blue, with a little blue lock, and a key on a blue ribbon. I swear I still have that diary somewhere. At that age, I was a terrible speller, and on the inside front cover, I wrote, “My Diarhea.” This kind of captures my feelings about writing posts for public consumption. I have very mixed feelings about this venture. Sharing my thoughts and feelings for anyone other than myself feels….well, kind of like the spelling of my first diary.

But I’ve decided that I have thoughts, and feelings, and memories, that need to be shared with my family and friends.?

For those of you who don’t already know, I lived in a cult for ten years. But few of you understand know why. And you don’t know so many of the things that went on during that time of my life. I’ve maybe promised to tell you, one day, but somehow the conversation never flows that direction, except maybe after a few too many drinks late a night around a campfire. Also, recently, I’ve been thinking about what living there meant to me. What it means now. Who I am, post-cult. And I’ve got some things to work out.

So, I’ve decided it’s time to take the lock off the diary. This blog is the Holy Shit Show. It’s a place for me to work out my thoughts about what happened over those ten years. It’s a public forum to explore life post-cult.

What Is the Holy Shit Show?

It’s a place for me to work out many of the ongoing reflections I’ve been having since I left a cult after 10 years. For now it’ll just be written, but maybe one day it’ll be a podcast. If they’ll talk to me publicly about our past, I’ll interview friends of mine who lived in the cult with me. Are we wrestling with similar questions? I’ll tell stories from the past. I will probably try to shock you on purpose. What I know for sure is that I am ready to stop thinking about my inner conversation as diarrhea and start putting it out there for my loved ones (and anyone else who might happen by) so that some of this past of mine might start to make sense. I don’t know if there is healing to do, but if there is, maybe this can be a forum for that as well. Or at least a starting point.

The Backstory

In 2013, the spiritual organization I had dedicated my entire life to fell apart around me.

Sometimes I ask myself, if that had not happened, would I still be there? Probably.

But I’m not. And I am glad about that. I am very happily married and we have a sweet and very fun kid. But sometimes I wonder who I would be now, if I hadn’t spent ten years in a cult. And what am I missing now? So many questions flurry around and I want to use this forum to explore them.